Growing pains.

Mind-vomit.


Tons of inner head demons. Bc of the Boy being in the service, see him about every other month--- longer sometimes.
That makes our phone conversations, e-mails, and txts... all the more "heavy". Currently as of 4AM this morning, he is gone... in intense training--- 3wks. No contact. I suppose this will be a preview of when he goes away to Afghanistan. (sidenote--- that will be In september and i have no idea how i will be able to handle that)

We agreed during our weekend together...that we would try and have deeper and more meaning full conversations. So last night we got a chance to talk for four hours... ( thats a sweet slice of cake- in phone time) However we delved greatly into past relationships....mainly my fault.



I feel as if to fully understand ones self... or in turn ones partner... you must have a full understanding of your own past relationships... and have the ability to share that knowledge with your partner.

The Boy---has a hard time opening up.. (which is hard for me to deal with bc i am a very open person--obviously bc i am here venting to THE WORLD)

Anyhow- we disagreed.. and needless to say i was making it well, known that i thought we couldnt really get to know one another if we didnt discuss our past and if he didnt open up to me.
Eventually after i exhausted the situation, he did open up. What was said- was a lot for "us" to handle.. It wasnt quite resolved... and now for 3 wks we cant speak...

im feeling regret for pushing... this regret is allowing me to feel other "negative" feelings....like.. jealousy.. anxiety, allowing my crazy rambling mind to make up things.... and get paranoid.

<3<3<3 I love him. He knows this... But I pushed him... to a place that he didnt want to go, just yet.




I cant help but to feel --vacant


Fretting and Regretting---
~M