Tonight I met an amazing and inspiring man.
Andrew White.
He is a lover- beyond all doubt, fear, despair, pain and suffering. A man, in the likeness of God.
The presence of this man was transcending. To have him speak to me and walk by me, awakened a piece of myself I never knew I had.
Meeting Him was nothing short of a miracle, for my life. <3
Andrew White, speak to the world, it needs you.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Growing pains.
Mind-vomit.
Tons of inner head demons. Bc of the Boy being in the service, see him about every other month--- longer sometimes.
That makes our phone conversations, e-mails, and txts... all the more "heavy". Currently as of 4AM this morning, he is gone... in intense training--- 3wks. No contact. I suppose this will be a preview of when he goes away to Afghanistan. (sidenote--- that will be In september and i have no idea how i will be able to handle that)
We agreed during our weekend together...that we would try and have deeper and more meaning full conversations. So last night we got a chance to talk for four hours... ( thats a sweet slice of cake- in phone time) However we delved greatly into past relationships....mainly my fault.
I feel as if to fully understand ones self... or in turn ones partner... you must have a full understanding of your own past relationships... and have the ability to share that knowledge with your partner.
The Boy---has a hard time opening up.. (which is hard for me to deal with bc i am a very open person--obviously bc i am here venting to THE WORLD)
Anyhow- we disagreed.. and needless to say i was making it well, known that i thought we couldnt really get to know one another if we didnt discuss our past and if he didnt open up to me.
Eventually after i exhausted the situation, he did open up. What was said- was a lot for "us" to handle.. It wasnt quite resolved... and now for 3 wks we cant speak...
im feeling regret for pushing... this regret is allowing me to feel other "negative" feelings....like.. jealousy.. anxiety, allowing my crazy rambling mind to make up things.... and get paranoid.
<3<3<3 I love him. He knows this... But I pushed him... to a place that he didnt want to go, just yet.
I cant help but to feel --vacant
Fretting and Regretting---
~M
Tons of inner head demons. Bc of the Boy being in the service, see him about every other month--- longer sometimes.
That makes our phone conversations, e-mails, and txts... all the more "heavy". Currently as of 4AM this morning, he is gone... in intense training--- 3wks. No contact. I suppose this will be a preview of when he goes away to Afghanistan. (sidenote--- that will be In september and i have no idea how i will be able to handle that)
We agreed during our weekend together...that we would try and have deeper and more meaning full conversations. So last night we got a chance to talk for four hours... ( thats a sweet slice of cake- in phone time) However we delved greatly into past relationships....mainly my fault.
I feel as if to fully understand ones self... or in turn ones partner... you must have a full understanding of your own past relationships... and have the ability to share that knowledge with your partner.
The Boy---has a hard time opening up.. (which is hard for me to deal with bc i am a very open person--obviously bc i am here venting to THE WORLD)
Anyhow- we disagreed.. and needless to say i was making it well, known that i thought we couldnt really get to know one another if we didnt discuss our past and if he didnt open up to me.
Eventually after i exhausted the situation, he did open up. What was said- was a lot for "us" to handle.. It wasnt quite resolved... and now for 3 wks we cant speak...
im feeling regret for pushing... this regret is allowing me to feel other "negative" feelings....like.. jealousy.. anxiety, allowing my crazy rambling mind to make up things.... and get paranoid.
<3<3<3 I love him. He knows this... But I pushed him... to a place that he didnt want to go, just yet.
I cant help but to feel --vacant
Fretting and Regretting---
~M
Hope
Im at a dead-end within myself.
Its like Im traveling down my road of life, and i come to this stop, hoping it to be a stop sign... a break, a moment for another car to pass so that after i does I may continue on down my road; instead its a wall. A stone wall...cobbled. I can't go around or up or under...... So instead I trek a few thousand paces back, and relive those moments, continue on my life the way it was. Hoping that this time when I come to the stop.... I finally see the sign, break a moment, then be able to move forward in my life.
Short.
Stressed.
Hoping and Coping---
~M
Its like Im traveling down my road of life, and i come to this stop, hoping it to be a stop sign... a break, a moment for another car to pass so that after i does I may continue on down my road; instead its a wall. A stone wall...cobbled. I can't go around or up or under...... So instead I trek a few thousand paces back, and relive those moments, continue on my life the way it was. Hoping that this time when I come to the stop.... I finally see the sign, break a moment, then be able to move forward in my life.
Short.
Stressed.
Hoping and Coping---
~M
Friday, February 19, 2010
18hrs and GPF'd (to love, or not love)
So I went along my travels expecting to have a marvelous time with my Lova! You know that saying "when you assume you make and ass out of you and me?" Well, someone should come up with a similar saying for expectations.
Day 1:
The drive down was surprisingly easy, as I only had two hours of sleep.. Procrastination and nerves: 2 M:0.
I arrive at the hotel early and was not allowed to check in, which was fine by me bc there was a shopping center and I had to buy some groceries. The hotel was an efficiency which means it held a kitchen and i had planned to make steaks that i brought all the way from my butcher at home. I went to the market, there to gather the necessary accoutrement for my seemingly perfect Valentines dinner.
78 dollars, candles, rose petals and steak sauce later... I go back to the hotel.
Earlier I had found out that my lova's troop was being held late so he would not arrive in time for check in, again ok by me as i wanted to settle in first before seeing him. (sidenote- this also meant id have to front the money for the stay until he got there)
Needless to say the "slow speaking/minded" cashier charged me 3x's for the room on accident and had NO IDEA how to refund my money!!!
3 1/2 hours...one public scene, and some tears later, The money is returned!
I get to the room and settle in, take a small nap and around 9pm I get the call that lova-boy is down the hall. I walk out the door to go meet him and just like a movie i see him down the hall.. and he starts to run.. throws his arms around me and held for a moment. we pulled away and there were tears in his eyes. It was beautiful, a moment i wish had lasted the weekend.
Instead we get back to the room and I fix him something to eat and drink. he had been in the field all week, lips and hands so dry and torn. It was disheartening. I made him a grilled cheese at his request :) simple enough-- however the hotel tells cookware lacked. the sandwich stuck to the pan burned and set off the smoke detectors. (sidenote im no culinary goddess, but i do cook.. grilled cheese is childsplay.) another stab in the broken heart of a day i was having.
Day 2:
We wake up early and want to go to breakfast. It had snowed so he was cleaning the car and asked y my door was open...FFwd to my screaming.. bc my glasses, coat, GPS, and cell car charger are gone! The bad mood i was put in.. lasted the rest of the day and into the morning.
Day 3: Valentines Day.
Emotions were tossed all over that day.
Still agitated from the day before, I am a horrible bitch all day to him.
He is on my nerve... and we both came to realization that we have nothing in common but one another.
Our relationship is based on conversation due to his station and future deployment.. and we cant converse about anything. So "whats the point"
The rest of this day seems null and void. I almost wanted to pack and go home.
He: being the words of wisdom and hope... repeatedly stated "We can make this work, I dont want to lose you, It will hard, but you're worth it."
We sat down like children and wrote down our likes and dislikes.. of food, life, activities, attitudes etc. We read horoscopes, did zodiac compatibility tests. Each stating "the combination of theses two signs are virtually unsuccessful however if each works diligently twd the relationship it can a prosperous and rewarding one." (sidenote- as corny as it sounds i do believe in the zodiac) I decided we needed a break from this and suggest he take a shower and Id make some food. I made the steaks, Asiago cheese rice, garlic green beans and homemade choc pudding. I decorated the bed with flower petals and a scented candle. He was stunned, and appreciative. He suggested we eat by candle light, and we did. Not much was said but the look in eyes gave me a feeling of sorrow. I felt so badly for letting my negitave emotions for what happened they day before dictate the way i felt about him. I wanted to try too, my hardest to make this work, to beat the odds. FFwd one foot massage, romantic comedy movie, and an accidental eye injury later (sidenote--more on that to come) We were in love again.
Day 4:
18 hours and counting.
We laid around all day basking in the comfort of our love. We had dinner with two other couples, and another Marine and his wife, and naval-man and his. It was nice to see them, and the way they interact with one another. So in love, so respectful. They way he behaves with me, a manner in which, from a man, I am not used to. We later went back to hotel and fell asleep, tangled together. It was beautiful.
There are many pieces of this weekend I have left out... good and bad. Still mentally drained, from all areas of my life.. again my ramblings... are not.
He showed me a love I have never had before, one that enticed and frightened me all at once. I want nothing more than to experience every hardship with him. Even though the weekend was not as i had expected. It was what we had needed, and in that, it was perfect.
Reflecting and Correcting---
~M
Day 1:
The drive down was surprisingly easy, as I only had two hours of sleep.. Procrastination and nerves: 2 M:0.
I arrive at the hotel early and was not allowed to check in, which was fine by me bc there was a shopping center and I had to buy some groceries. The hotel was an efficiency which means it held a kitchen and i had planned to make steaks that i brought all the way from my butcher at home. I went to the market, there to gather the necessary accoutrement for my seemingly perfect Valentines dinner.
78 dollars, candles, rose petals and steak sauce later... I go back to the hotel.
Earlier I had found out that my lova's troop was being held late so he would not arrive in time for check in, again ok by me as i wanted to settle in first before seeing him. (sidenote- this also meant id have to front the money for the stay until he got there)
Needless to say the "slow speaking/minded" cashier charged me 3x's for the room on accident and had NO IDEA how to refund my money!!!
3 1/2 hours...one public scene, and some tears later, The money is returned!
I get to the room and settle in, take a small nap and around 9pm I get the call that lova-boy is down the hall. I walk out the door to go meet him and just like a movie i see him down the hall.. and he starts to run.. throws his arms around me and held for a moment. we pulled away and there were tears in his eyes. It was beautiful, a moment i wish had lasted the weekend.
Instead we get back to the room and I fix him something to eat and drink. he had been in the field all week, lips and hands so dry and torn. It was disheartening. I made him a grilled cheese at his request :) simple enough-- however the hotel tells cookware lacked. the sandwich stuck to the pan burned and set off the smoke detectors. (sidenote im no culinary goddess, but i do cook.. grilled cheese is childsplay.) another stab in the broken heart of a day i was having.
Day 2:
We wake up early and want to go to breakfast. It had snowed so he was cleaning the car and asked y my door was open...FFwd to my screaming.. bc my glasses, coat, GPS, and cell car charger are gone! The bad mood i was put in.. lasted the rest of the day and into the morning.
Day 3: Valentines Day.
Emotions were tossed all over that day.
Still agitated from the day before, I am a horrible bitch all day to him.
He is on my nerve... and we both came to realization that we have nothing in common but one another.
Our relationship is based on conversation due to his station and future deployment.. and we cant converse about anything. So "whats the point"
The rest of this day seems null and void. I almost wanted to pack and go home.
He: being the words of wisdom and hope... repeatedly stated "We can make this work, I dont want to lose you, It will hard, but you're worth it."
We sat down like children and wrote down our likes and dislikes.. of food, life, activities, attitudes etc. We read horoscopes, did zodiac compatibility tests. Each stating "the combination of theses two signs are virtually unsuccessful however if each works diligently twd the relationship it can a prosperous and rewarding one." (sidenote- as corny as it sounds i do believe in the zodiac) I decided we needed a break from this and suggest he take a shower and Id make some food. I made the steaks, Asiago cheese rice, garlic green beans and homemade choc pudding. I decorated the bed with flower petals and a scented candle. He was stunned, and appreciative. He suggested we eat by candle light, and we did. Not much was said but the look in eyes gave me a feeling of sorrow. I felt so badly for letting my negitave emotions for what happened they day before dictate the way i felt about him. I wanted to try too, my hardest to make this work, to beat the odds. FFwd one foot massage, romantic comedy movie, and an accidental eye injury later (sidenote--more on that to come) We were in love again.
Day 4:
18 hours and counting.
We laid around all day basking in the comfort of our love. We had dinner with two other couples, and another Marine and his wife, and naval-man and his. It was nice to see them, and the way they interact with one another. So in love, so respectful. They way he behaves with me, a manner in which, from a man, I am not used to. We later went back to hotel and fell asleep, tangled together. It was beautiful.
There are many pieces of this weekend I have left out... good and bad. Still mentally drained, from all areas of my life.. again my ramblings... are not.
He showed me a love I have never had before, one that enticed and frightened me all at once. I want nothing more than to experience every hardship with him. Even though the weekend was not as i had expected. It was what we had needed, and in that, it was perfect.
Reflecting and Correcting---
~M
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Toppins-a-bay..troubador sings my day
11:02 PM
Sitting at computer ---blogging.
Slacking, I should be packing (rhyme not intended) I am headed out of state @ 4:00 AM
and I have a 9---count it NINE hour drive a head of me. Although I am very much looking forward to it. I will be seeing my lover whom I havent seen since January. ( as i typed i realized by addressing him as my lover it seems like i am having an affair--- I assure you ---im NOT) My Boy lives out of state as he is in the Service.
I have clothes strewn all over my bed hoping that they will place themselves in my bag-- doubtful. My mind is rather clear tonight, much to my surprise....(remember my big meeting?) It went very well I think and I was asked to develop a business proposal in 24 hours. --Done and done. It took be a whole 12 hours to complete and I feel drained of all sense and creativity. My ramblings, arent so.
Its been snowing for about a week, on and off. SUCKS! I was house/dog sitting for my neighbor at the time too. I shoveled about a total of 9 times. I like it when the snow is quiet. Its quite beautiful, calming, a type of serenity....perhaps another aide to my peace-of-mind.
I wish I was Mary Poppins and I could just open up my heinous carpet bag and let all of my belongings jump on in to a lovely tune. (sidenote ---any one know what a troubadour is? well Definition :was a composer and performer of lyric poetry during the High Middle Ages. The King would hire them to come along and entertain the courts with song about what occurred in during the day, week, etc. I want one!!! Badly-- to follow me along and play music about my day. :) Random.)
---that way i wouldnt have to pack (mary poppins---bag-- Keep up people)
Speaking of Mary Poppins, my one friend BANANA always thought the bird lady sang "feed the birds poppins poppins feed the bird poppings-a-bay"
WHAT!~
we argued for about 3 days. I tried to explain that they lyric was actually "tuppence, a bag" Meaning you could have the bag of bird feed for a tuppence (two pennies) (sidenote- she hears everything wrong-always you might have thought she was an eldery woman hard of hearing)
Much like my mother--- who is. Though she cant hear anything you say right too her... walk away and she hears everything you say. A phenom that woman.
i feel myself draining as we speak.. cant think must pack.
Slacking and packing---
~M
Sitting at computer ---blogging.
Slacking, I should be packing (rhyme not intended) I am headed out of state @ 4:00 AM
and I have a 9---count it NINE hour drive a head of me. Although I am very much looking forward to it. I will be seeing my lover whom I havent seen since January. ( as i typed i realized by addressing him as my lover it seems like i am having an affair--- I assure you ---im NOT) My Boy lives out of state as he is in the Service.
I have clothes strewn all over my bed hoping that they will place themselves in my bag-- doubtful. My mind is rather clear tonight, much to my surprise....(remember my big meeting?) It went very well I think and I was asked to develop a business proposal in 24 hours. --Done and done. It took be a whole 12 hours to complete and I feel drained of all sense and creativity. My ramblings, arent so.
Its been snowing for about a week, on and off. SUCKS! I was house/dog sitting for my neighbor at the time too. I shoveled about a total of 9 times. I like it when the snow is quiet. Its quite beautiful, calming, a type of serenity....perhaps another aide to my peace-of-mind.
I wish I was Mary Poppins and I could just open up my heinous carpet bag and let all of my belongings jump on in to a lovely tune. (sidenote ---any one know what a troubadour is? well Definition :was a composer and performer of lyric poetry during the High Middle Ages. The King would hire them to come along and entertain the courts with song about what occurred in during the day, week, etc. I want one!!! Badly-- to follow me along and play music about my day. :) Random.)
---that way i wouldnt have to pack (mary poppins---bag-- Keep up people)
Speaking of Mary Poppins, my one friend BANANA always thought the bird lady sang "feed the birds poppins poppins feed the bird poppings-a-bay"
WHAT!~
we argued for about 3 days. I tried to explain that they lyric was actually "tuppence, a bag" Meaning you could have the bag of bird feed for a tuppence (two pennies) (sidenote- she hears everything wrong-always you might have thought she was an eldery woman hard of hearing)
Much like my mother--- who is. Though she cant hear anything you say right too her... walk away and she hears everything you say. A phenom that woman.
i feel myself draining as we speak.. cant think must pack.
Slacking and packing---
~M
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Traveling Mouse.....and gelatin nightmares.
Did anyone else know that Gummi Bears are made from gelatin? I suppose I could have guessed but i mean still... Swedish fish--no gelatin.
Maybe i should explain something.
I hate Jello- its a freak of nature and science. It wiggles. Why would i want to eat something that moved unnaturally on its own. Weird.(Sidenote-I once had a nightmare that a huge piece of lime green jello was chancing me down my street and engulfing everything inside of its self, undulating down the road--after me.)
However-- Gummi Bears are virtually a motionless snack food, and are hands down my life long favorite.(sidenote- when i was in junior high me and my friend used to buy them by the lb and lay on my bedroom floor and throw them into the air and try and catch'm in our mouths)
So the other day I say to WOODY-"did ya know Gummi Bears are fat free" and she says "ya if only they were animal bone marrow free" Now i know that gelatin is made from animal bone marrow and that's in Jello. So i say with disgust- "ya i know- ugh...Jello" THEN it hits me.... she wasn't talking about Jello..... "NOOooOooooOOOOo--not Gummi bears". I cried--You might have though my dog died. (sidenote six months ago my dog did die, Sadie, a shihtzu I wrote a hillbilly parody song about her once, RIP I cried like a baby for a week.)
I haven't eaten a Gummi Bear since( since finding out about the gelatin not since my dogs death) Though Lots of things have happened in my life since my dogs death- i got another dog- a boyfriend- a quarter-life crisis- a membership to a boxing gym- (a blog :) )--- and a smattering of other events I'll discuss later...one of which has led me to this current computer @ my office....with the traveling mouse.
HOW IRRITATING!!!
All I want to do is click but the mouse is circulating around the area in which i wish to click. So now i wait like a lioness waiting for her kill...having to time it out----click(pounce)just as it moves over the button but again ***Click***.... no, it clicks on something else... another web page maybe taking me somewhere that I never needed be the first place... and it takes me twice as long to get back to what i was originally doing. Or how about like now--- as i am typing this blog the mouse is dancing around my screen, placing itself into paragraphs i have already finished. Here we are again I NEED to purchase a new mouse.. but instead-- i got a 3-hole-punch... and in the 6 months that i have bought it--- i have yet to 3-hole-punch one piece of paper---Wait
----- Just now for the first time, i have made a 3-hole-punch... and wasted a perfectly good piece of paper in the process. UGH!
Killing time and Trees--
*M
Maybe i should explain something.
I hate Jello- its a freak of nature and science. It wiggles. Why would i want to eat something that moved unnaturally on its own. Weird.(Sidenote-I once had a nightmare that a huge piece of lime green jello was chancing me down my street and engulfing everything inside of its self, undulating down the road--after me.)
However-- Gummi Bears are virtually a motionless snack food, and are hands down my life long favorite.(sidenote- when i was in junior high me and my friend used to buy them by the lb and lay on my bedroom floor and throw them into the air and try and catch'm in our mouths)
So the other day I say to WOODY-"did ya know Gummi Bears are fat free" and she says "ya if only they were animal bone marrow free" Now i know that gelatin is made from animal bone marrow and that's in Jello. So i say with disgust- "ya i know- ugh...Jello" THEN it hits me.... she wasn't talking about Jello..... "NOOooOooooOOOOo--not Gummi bears". I cried--You might have though my dog died. (sidenote six months ago my dog did die, Sadie, a shihtzu I wrote a hillbilly parody song about her once, RIP I cried like a baby for a week.)
I haven't eaten a Gummi Bear since( since finding out about the gelatin not since my dogs death) Though Lots of things have happened in my life since my dogs death- i got another dog- a boyfriend- a quarter-life crisis- a membership to a boxing gym- (a blog :) )--- and a smattering of other events I'll discuss later...one of which has led me to this current computer @ my office....with the traveling mouse.
HOW IRRITATING!!!
All I want to do is click but the mouse is circulating around the area in which i wish to click. So now i wait like a lioness waiting for her kill...having to time it out----click(pounce)just as it moves over the button but again ***Click***.... no, it clicks on something else... another web page maybe taking me somewhere that I never needed be the first place... and it takes me twice as long to get back to what i was originally doing. Or how about like now--- as i am typing this blog the mouse is dancing around my screen, placing itself into paragraphs i have already finished. Here we are again I NEED to purchase a new mouse.. but instead-- i got a 3-hole-punch... and in the 6 months that i have bought it--- i have yet to 3-hole-punch one piece of paper---Wait
----- Just now for the first time, i have made a 3-hole-punch... and wasted a perfectly good piece of paper in the process. UGH!
Killing time and Trees--
*M
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